July 1st, 2025.

i am deathly afraid of letting go of things. just thinking of throwing out a favourite piece of clothing by accident sends my body into panic mode... although that is a bit of an exageration, the sentiment is true. i have a very bad of hoarding things and it's really hard for me to not be sentimental about most objects. i still mourn my forgetting to get my 12th grade assignments back from my teachers before going off to graduate. i don't know how to get over this and i haven't yet whatsoever, so there isn't really a point to this entry, but there doesn't really need to be a point at all.

June 13th, 2025.

i find that i am often wasting my time. there is always something i want to do, but it always is so hard to just start. why don't i just do it? questions the world will never answer... tell me, if so many people have this problem, why haven't we been able to eradicate it? i've been wanting to write an essay and a story since february and i haven't been able to make it past the first paragraph. it's just annoying at this point. i tell myself that i don't have to be doing something every second of the day because that's impossible, but how do you make yourself stop feeling so useless, then?

it's ok i'll just deal with it, if i am being honest.

June 8th, 2025.

i'll write about today and yesterday. yesterday, i went on a little walk after visiting an event my friend was holding. i walked into a little park and sat at a bench realizing that a little crow was lounging in the distance. he was basking in the sun, mouth wide open. it was such an adorable sight, so i thought to take a photo. i couldn't really get quite a good one from where i was sitting, so i stood up and slowly inched towards the bird. then, i started snapping some photos, but i still needed to be closer. as i started to tip-toe closer, i thought to myself: "hey, is this bird maybe...dead?" and i stopped in my tracks. people started to walk by me and the bird and i started to worry about how morbid people would think i am for snapping a pic of a dead bird. i then walked over to the crow to check, and it flew away. yet again, i let others' perception of me interfere with what i want to do! so it's poignant or something... what the hell!

here's the crow, by the way.

i have another problem to talk about, if you can believe it. so, recently i bought a pair of pretty good headphones and i was estatic because it's been a while since i had any listening device of good quality. i was excited to listen to high def music! but this may have been to my detrement as now i notice...everything. so, i was listening to my favourite band: acid bath, when i realized that dax riggs' vocals sounded a little...right leaning? like, i could hear it more in the right ear than the left. and it proceeded to drive me crazy until now because i genuinely can't tell if that's really the case or if my brain is playing tricks on me. and now i hear it on other songs as well and... it's ... driving me ... INSANE!!!! but, of course i am very grateful to have these headphones and the song i'm listening to right now doesn't have this effect strangely. i'm so confused...

can anyone tell me what they're saying in LEAK songs?? the lyrics aren't anywhere and i desperately need to knooow!

June 4th, 2025.

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. i can't believe it's june already. didn't i just write that last journal entry?

well, anyways, i FINALLY finished redoing my code on the mainpages and this page. the links on the side finally work! i don't know why i didn't know gridbox layout existed until a month ago... i was using flexbox and outdated layout options this whole time! i do still have to fix some things, though, as my website doesn't seem to work on firefox. i showed my website to my friend and on his screen it was completely broken! how embarrassing, but now the bulk of my website is presentable, so i am happy.

okay, i basically fixed the firefox stuff now. yay!

May 11th, 2025.

LONG TIME NO SEE...

i took a break from website making, as you can tell. i realised i should probably redo the code for my website again and just couldn't be bothered. i still can't be bothered, i just felt like updating.

so, i, of course, wasn't able to do previous month's challenge. i am trying something similar this time, though. i am going to restrict my laptop as something only accessible in my room. that way, i will feel it be more daunting to use it as i would have to navigate all the way towards that station to use it. thus, i will want to do something else that seems more convenient, such as picking up the book i have strategically set beside me. my brain is very stupid, i have a stupid monkey brain and have to coordinate my actions...well, accordingly.

for a long time now, making art has caused me great anger, and i felt that now is the time to combat that. i realized my perfectionist nature was probably the culprit in making me so irate when i drew because nothing lived up to my standards. so, i will try and post some of my just "okay" artworks as i feel that would encourage me to draw more. also, note to self, upload the crafts you do at your volunteering job and also the new crochet works you are doing! i also realised changing mediums really helps in the creative journey. ugh, if i want to create and have a portfolio of artworks, i can't be so mad! or i need to find out how to channel that emotion into my pieces... hmm... sigh...

April 7th, 2025.

if you are wondering, i have already failed in my attempt to not use youtube and instagram reels for a month. i am a slave to my emotions and convenience just looks so much more tastier, right? but, i do find i am a little more productive... for what reason... who knows...

don't you find it interesting that when you watch a foreign television show, your inner monologue takes on their accent?

i haven't been thinking as much the past few days and i don't know if i should be jumping with joy, or sulking in my creative loneliness. thoughts, i hate you so, but who am i without you?

March 30th, 2025.

i am at odds, because i would like to post my thoughts on my website, but i simultaneously do not want anyone to be so close to what goes on in my mind. stop my conundrums and kill my thoughts-to-be!

i have a fear of being seen, recognized, thought about. i want my thoughts on this website, so i can organize them better, and i want people to know that i am able to use my brain, but i also don't want a version of me to exist outside of my own head.

March 29th, 2025.

for the first time in forever i had a clear mind?! no thoughts... utter silence. this is unheard of! as soon as i realized--absolute nill. well, that was broken as soon as i thought about "not thinking", but i digress.

the things i would do with an empty mind! i would fill it with jello, i think.

dude, sick acid bath reference, dude.

i think the internet ruined my life. often i think about the type of person i'd be if i wasn't exposed to it at such a young age. i understand the irony of uploading this passage to the internet, but you must get what i mean. this is why i'm vowing to use the internet minimally for the whole month of april! no instagram reels, no youtube (no youtube, not because i don't think there isn't good content on there, i just want to watch other forms of video content, like the movies i have to catch up on). i will still message people, though. i do not think i can just cut all forms of communication, that would be insane. i will also still work on this website, as i view this as a valuable way to use my time. will i last through this month? i am going to be very blunt and say, i do not think so, but it will let me focus on other aspects of my life.

i think we as human beings tend to feel like we constantly need to be doing things and just taking a moment to breathe in the air is not in our agenda. it is somehow wasting our time. there is always something we can be doing, but how many of us actually fill up those gaps in time with something meaningful? this same sentiment was shared by a video i watched from mina le, which i believe was very well written.

this explained why i simultaneously felt like i never had time to do anything, but yet i felt like i wasn't actually doing anything. so much, yet so little time. i watched that video around the start of march, and for this whole month (although i already overthought to my detrement) i have been thinking more thoughtfully. though, it might have backfired a little due to it stressing me out slightly (or not so slightly), i am glad to have turned into a more contemplative person. that is why i will be taking april to the next level!

i risk sounding like a "boomer" with all of this, but i need to stop caring so much about how people view me... i also feel like i'm not filling my time with things i actually want to do, but with what is most convenient. it makes me depressed.

this journal entry isn't written very well, so i am crossing my fingers that nothing i say can be misconstrued, i can't be bothered to write it clearer, teehee.

i cover my mouth, i am so bashful!

March 28th, 2025.

today, i woke up with a deep sense of melancholy--for no apparent reason. did the universe misplace its resentment onto me? i don't know. all i know is that a day of (what was supposed to be) productivity, once again turned into me flat on my face, unmoving.

maybe some of us are randomly made to withstand the brunt of misplaced desolation. maybe when you feel happy again, your previous gloom has nowhere to go and ventures to find its next victim. there's something pitiful about a hypothetical feeling trying to find its way home.

goodbye, sadness, onto your next loser.

also, i made vegetable stew today?! i thought i added too much cilantro, but apparently it was adequate... said by the ones who ate it... what i did add too much of, though, was cayenne pepper! hot, hot, hot! spicy... well, i didn't mind it too much, but all the zing went straight to the throat! not good for a person (me) who has recently lost only half of their voice?! why just half? so much for commitment...

also, i wonder if desolation and the french word: "desole" have the same origin? also x2, desolation is an acid bath reference... "Slow desolation like a funeral procession" - Venus Blue, Acid Bath. a very nice song, i must say.

hm...

trust me, this page will look nicer in the near future! i have all the time! i swear i will figure out how to use it!

also please do excuse the links on the side not working properly... i don't know how to fix it.

what if i made a font so horrible only i could read it...

March 27th, 2025.

testing...testing journal...testing