thoughts/journal
March 30th, 2025.
i am at odds, because i would like to post my thoughts on my website, but i simultaneously do not want anyone to be so close to what goes on in my mind. stop my conundrums and kill my thoughts-to-be!
i have a fear of being seen, recognized, thought about. i want my thoughts on this website, so i can organize them better, and i want people to know that i am able to use my brain, but i also don't want a version of me to exist outside of my own head.
March 29th, 2025.
for the first time in forever i had a clear mind?! no thoughts... utter silence. this is unheard of! as soon as i realized--absolute nill. well, that was broken as soon as i thought about "not thinking", but i digress.
the things i would do with an empty mind! i would fill it with jello, i think.
dude, sick acid bath reference, dude.
i think the internet ruined my life. often i think about the type of person i'd be if i wasn't exposed to it at such a young age. i understand the irony of uploading this passage to the internet, but you must get what i mean. this is why i'm vowing to use the internet minimally for the whole month of april! no instagram reels, no youtube (no youtube, not because i don't think there isn't good content on there, i just want to watch other forms of video content, like the movies i have to catch up on). i will still message people, though. i do not think i can just cut all forms of communication, that would be insane. i will also still work on this website, as i view this as a valuable way to use my time. will i last through this month? i am going to be very blunt and say, i do not think so, but it will let me focus on other aspects of my life.
i think we as human beings tend to feel like we constantly need to be doing things and just taking a moment to breathe in the air is not in our agenda. it is somehow wasting our time. there is always something we can be doing, but how many of us actually fill up those gaps in time with something meaningful? this same sentiment was shared by a video i watched from mina le, which i believe was very well written.
this explained why i simultaneously felt like i never had time to do anything, but yet i felt like i wasn't actually doing anything. so much, yet so little time. i watched that video around the start of march, and for this whole month (although i already overthought to my detrement) i have been thinking more thoughtfully. though, it might have backfired a little due to it stressing me out slightly (or not so slightly), i am glad to have turned into a more contemplative person. that is why i will be taking april to the next level!
i risk sounding like a "boomer" with all of this, but i need to stop caring so much about how people view me... i also feel like i'm not filling my time with things i actually want to do, but with what is most convenient. it makes me depressed.
this journal entry isn't written very well, so i am crossing my fingers that nothing i say can be misconstrued, i can't be bothered to write it clearer, teehee.
i cover my mouth, i am so bashful!
March 28th, 2025.
today, i woke up with a deep sense of melancholy--for no apparent reason. did the universe misplace its resentment onto me? i don't know. all i know is that a day of (what was supposed to be) productivity, once again turned into me flat on my face, unmoving.
maybe some of us are randomly made to withstand the brunt of misplaced desolation. maybe when you feel happy again, your previous gloom has nowhere to go and ventures to find its next victim. there's something pitiful about a hypothetical feeling trying to find its way home.
goodbye, sadness, onto your next loser.
also, i made vegetable stew today?! i thought i added too much cilantro, but apparently it was adequate... said by the ones who ate it... what i did add too much of, though, was cayenne pepper! hot, hot, hot! spicy... well, i didn't mind it too much, but all the zing went straight to the throat! not good for a person (me) who has recently lost only half of their voice?! why just half? so much for commitment...
also, i wonder if desolation and the french word: "desole" have the same origin? also x2, desolation is an acid bath reference... "Slow desolation like a funeral procession" - Venus Blue, Acid Bath. a very nice song, i must say.
hm...
trust me, this page will look nicer in the near future! i have all the time! i swear i will figure out how to use it!
also please do excuse the links on the side not working properly... i don't know how to fix it.
what if i made a font so horrible only i could read it...
March 27th, 2025.
testing...testing journal...testing
